You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel. I can't tell you something that ain't real.

As a rule, I tend to like holidays. As my boyfriend helped me realize, life is a cycle of sitting down, wanting to stand up, standing up, wanting to sit down, and so on. You're destined to get fed up and need to do something different. That is, if you're me. And he was really a shining orb of optimism about my restlessness as you can tell. (Only kidding. He's lovely.)

Anyway, like I was saying, holidays are awesome because they kind of break up the monotony. Even if it's something lame like Flag Day, it gives really ubercool superawesome people like me a chance to go and buy some interesting flags.

Or, if it's Gum-Chewing Day, you look a little longer at the stand beside the counter when picking out the same old Citrus Blast. (I really hate chewing gum... I really hope they don't make a Gum-Chewing Day. Think of the streets. People who are gross and disgusting will spit their gum out and everyone will be spending their time dodging the sticky mess on the pavement. It's not a good plan. Not at all. No, Mr. Holiday Picker, go get another slip out of the hat.)

So, it's that time of year again, boys and girls! It's....

Christmastime in May... time!

Yes, the holiday often ignored by everyone by me. It's Maymastime.

See, once upon a time, there was a child named Maymas. Boy, he was some kind of brat. He didn't do anything nice for anyone, but his parents loved him because they were reproductively challenged and kind of figured, "Let's play the cards we're dealt." However, that didn't work out too well because they just spoiled Maymas with gifts. All the flipping time. So, Maymas, thinking he would be able to get away with anything (since it worked with his parents), got his big monster truck and put all his things in the back of it and went around town screaming out the window at the townfolk how much stuff he had.

The townfolk, bewildered at the fact that a child of only ten or so was driving this gargantuan vehicle without a licence, immediately alerted the police. The police came in an even bigger monster truck and made Maymas pull over. Maymas proceeded to throw a big fit, so the police took all of Maymas's possessions and handed them out to the well-behaved children of the town. The gifts were awful snazzy and Maymas was disappointed and bellowed out several curse words. Then, he took all of his clothes off and ran around in the churchyard until the police arrested him for indecent exposure and locked up this crazy child for good. And Maymas's parents realized they were much happier childless and decided to buy a chameleon instead. Pretty colours.

So, yes, what are you asking for Maymastime this year..?

Oh, I hate to go off on a tangent like this....(Oh, who am I kidding? I love going off on a tangent. It's like being at a Sandals beach resort and, let's face it, being back to the point is like being back at work or school or ... some place like work or school.) ... but yes, Bob the Builder. Can he fix it? Apparently, yes, he can. See, this is where I took issue. Sometimes, no matter how many screwdrivers you have and no matter how big or how Big Bird yellow your construction hat is, things are just broken. (By the way, I would probably give a kidney to see good ol' Bobby boy repair something with duct tape. Instead, the bugger has managed to hide behind his old magical teamwork decoy plan up until now. One day, though, he'll want a quick fix and I'll be there. In the shrubs. With a camcorder.)

Okay, back to work... I mean, to the point ...

I've been thinking about my Maymas list and, other than books, I'm a pretty easy chick to buy for. Even then, buy me a journal and I'm set.

I mean, here's my list of gifts I'd like.

1. Gift card for the book shop. The bigger, the better. Don't be cheap; they'll put a thousand dollars on that little piece of plastic.

2. A journal with an elastic that holds it closed and has like a nice design or quotes on the bottom or something.

I freaking love quotes. And that elastic thing that keeps it closed is practically mandatory. (They give me one journal like that, and suddenly, the old school stuff just ain't good enough no more.

That's the kind of girl I am.)

3. A raspberry beret. No, not the kind you find at the second-hand store. Just a reddish one. One that matches my hair. This is a lot of trial and error. So, basically, unless you're gonna be the "I don't do surprises" gift giver and take me to a hat shop, it's best just to find a place with a lot of berets and gift card it.

4. A samsung or ginseng or ... okay, neither of those are right. But it's like... East Asian and kind of got Kimono qualities, only it's cut like a halter top and it's a bit tighter and it goes to the knee and gets cut off there. And I'd like that in red too. But I won't wear my beret with it. I'd look like I'd been around the world in 8 days or something. (Because, in this day and age, 80 days to go around the world...? How much time do you think my employer is going to give me before they just give me the old heave-ho? Exactly. Stupid Jules Verne.)

5. Some DVD seasons. Basically, Gilmore Girls season 4-7 and.... all the How I Met Your Mother seasons except the first one. I love that show, but dear Robertson Davies, I'm behind episode-wise. Apparently, Barney's smitten. Barney can't get smitten! First of all, he's smitten with a woman, which isn't right, since he'll always be gay and high on drugs provided by Harold and Kumar. But yes... DVD seasons would be lovely.

6. That James Morrison and Nelly Furtado song, "Broken Strings". Perfectly awesome. I was talking to my guyfriend the other day. He's bisexual (which isn't really important, except for the fact that I had the sudden urge to nickname him, "Bi-Guy"; that's his superhero name, without a doubt, so now all I have to do is convince him to put his underwear on over the top of his jeans, which will only take a little gin). So, yeah, I told Bi Guy I loved this song and he said, "Yeah, it's awesome." He likes it because he relates (his girlfriend is a bit of an ice queen) and I like it because I have some weird attraction to break-up songs or heartbreak songs that don't go to snailish, boring, oh-so-typical-'slow-dance' music.

Anyway, yes, Bi Guy laughed at my commentary of James Morrison and John Mayer being the exact same... until Mayer went and started dating bimbos. (It just doesn't make sense to me why he would ruin his entire caree over a piece of ass. Just saying. Everyone knows his whole appeal was built around the sensitive, sweet, almost hippie-ish sentimentality of a deep and moving guitarist over a piece of ass. James Morrison swooped down and snatched that up damn quick. It's all about the timing, boys.)

So, yeah, that song would be an awesome Maymas gift.

7. A really good night's sleep. Education and work are a messy combination. And, yet, somehow, I'm not capable of sleeping. I'd like to just be tired and go to bed and wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. Not feeling like a weird mix of that residue left on lotion bottles if you don't wipe the top off before putting the lid back on and Sean Rogen's bare ass in the 'morning after' scene of Knocked Up.

So, hurry, little kiddies. Ask your parents to steal Maymas's crap for you today! You don't want to be Seth Rogen's bum.